De-Escalate, Four Principles to Avoid Violence

I learned how to de-escalate situations on the job. One of my many security jobs was for a club called ‘El Sombrero’ in Colton California. The head of security was a guy well into his sixties, that wasn’t in very good shape. One night he threw two gang bangers out of the club for selling cocaine. These two guys got upset and returned with four of their friends. We were warned by outside security in the parking lot.

My boss and I were the only armed security guards. We approached the gang bangers outside the club. They all pulled up their shirts to display their guns. I had seen a lot of combat, but never been in a gun fight where my opponent was less than five feet away.

My boss used the four following principlwa and we all just walked away. That night I realized that the old guy could (and did) teach me a lot. Use these four principles to de-escalate a situation

1) Don't Insult


2) Don't Challenge


3) Don't Deny It's Happening


4) Allow a Face Saving Exit

I have seen fights start over some of the most stupid things. Some minor incident becomes violent because these four rules aren’t obeyed. Don’t try to be big and bad, someone may have to correct your perception.

Don't Insult Him

The word 'Mother****er' plays no part in de-escalation. Neither does B’ach, Homo, Nig**, etc. you get the idea. If you’re not black don’t refer to a black guy as ‘Bro’, it will come off as condescending, if they don’t know you. Don’t try to relate to the other persons race or socio-economic background. Just politely be yourself.

Don't Challenge Him

Whatcha going to do -------? Fill in the blank, hit me, stab me, shoot me. Yes people actually make statements like this. And yes they get hit, stabbed and shot.

Don't Deny It's Happening

Violence is a rare. Even in lifestyles where violence is common, violence doesn't happen 24/7. People who are in denial tell themselves that a person will not react physically to what they say or do. Because they are in denial they violate the first two rules.

Allow a Face Saving Exit

I cannot stress enough how important it is to: Let them back away with some semblance of pride! This is one of the most common mistakes people make. What's worse is that until this rule is violated, violence was not going to happen. You’ve seen it, as a guy walks away the other guy mocks him “ Yea, I thought so!, and then the fight starts.

And if you don't feel that you can allow someone to save face and back away, then don't come crying to me when someone rams a knife into your gut.

SELF DEFENSE COURSE - 40,000 REASONS

Recently I enrolled a family for a private instruction, self defense course, in Chino Hills, Ca. If you’re from Southern California you’re probably aware that Chino Hills is an upscale community. Besides, this client has a state of the art alarm system, video cameras and a huge attack trained German Sheppard protecting their home. They also have quick access to guns and have been trained to use them by one of the best organizations in the country.

I was curious about why they thought they needed a Self Defense Course. Had they been robed? Where they anticipating the release of 40,000 criminals from the California Penal System over the next two years? No, they had recently been threatened for no reason they could comprehend at the local LA Fitness, pool.

No alarm system, video cameras, German Sheppard or gun, they didn’t know how to respond. They spoke to the LA Fitness Staff that confronted the belligerent patron. This crazed individual left the gym and waited for them in the parking lot. The police had to be called to get this individual to back off.

My new client explained “If the confrontation had become physical I would have had no idea of what to do.” He was, as far as I can tell, the victim of Stress Violence.

People realize that: Economic hard times = more robberies and burglaries.
It does, but that’s not the whole picture.

In economic hard times, you're going to see a lot more 'stress violence.'

Violence become more likely as stress level in society goes up. Fights, homicides, rapes, drunk driving, road rage, assaults, domestic violence, all go up as people come under more and more stress. And economic hard times are very stressful.

You're going to see a lot more s**t happening.
I don't mean just on the News. I'm talking about YOU witnessing fights in gas stations/school/clubs/restaurants/gyms, road rage incidents, hearing your neighbors in a screaming fight, etc. The list of possibilities is endless.
Worse, you'll be finding yourself facing a snarling person over a small issue.

Welcome to the wonderful world of stress violence.

The causes of stress violence are deep within our core beliefs and how we cope with life. If our coping skills and core beliefs (about life the universe and everything) aren't up to the problems and pressures we face ... we tend to misbehave.

There are those who are unable to function well in even the best of times, our prisons are full of them (40,000 less soon). On the other hand, most 'normal' people don't know how to function in extraordinary circumstances. Someone who can function in 'good times' will often find him/herself lost and stressed in hard times. Simply stated they just don't know what to do or how to handle the stresses of changing circumstances. When that happens, they misbehave. Stress violence is a good news, bad news, thing.

· The good news is that with a little patience, understanding and compassion such a person can be de-escalated. Basically that's because most people aren't looking to be violent, what they seek more is validation, understanding and compassion to their problems. If someone starts going off on you, you're more likely to calm the situation down if you try to help the person. In short, if you help reduce his or her stress -- while maintaining your own boundariess. A good self defense course will teach you how to do this.

· The bad news, however, is that we humans tend to be emotional animals. As such, we are wired to react to the emotions of others.

A good explanation of this process is found in Rory Miller's Meditations on Violence. Rory talks about what he calls the "monkey dance." (His most accurate summation is "You don't control the monkey dance, it controls you). This book is a ‘must read’ for anyone whose job it is to confront violence. And it certainly wouldn't hurt for folks who want less stress in their own life either ... because you never know when you're causing this same reaction in someone else.

The bottom line is the more you understand your own reactions, emotions and are able to monitor what is going on inside of you, the less likely you are to get caught up in a monkey dance of emotion with someone. Stress violence happens when out of control people get together and make monkey poo.

Please click the word COMMENTS below, to comment or ask a questions about this article. My next article will be on how to de-escalate a bad stress violence situation. http://www.coronaseldefense.com/